Below are the 18 most recent journal entries recorded in marxspectre's LiveJournal:

Saturday, February 28th, 2009
6:58 pm	hey does anyone still read this?  I haven't been on here for quite a while.  (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 18th, 2006
10:28 am	okay... i have two interviews today. one is with some senior financial analysts and then i have to meet with the director of finance. i've been going nuts with everything going on. anyway, i'm hoping i get this job. i like money and enjoy paying my bills. oh well, wish me luck. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 14th, 2005
9:53 am	there was a moment when you smiled, playing a game with me. i saw it, and i'm sure you meant for me to see it. were we playing together, or were you pacifying me while you became needy? reciprocity is always at a cost and equality is your stare and the attention you raise as the toilet runs over. it doesn't seem worth it. can you lie to me, smile again, kiss me, tell me that you want to see me. it would be fine, but honestly i feel the need for a bigger lie, one that has the potential to scar both of us. some white star that burns out the eyes of all who approach it something i could walk away from, crying until the taste ran from my mouth and i fell forward through my third eye , wondering if i’d ever had vision. it's a shame that all lies eventually become insults, that ignorance only soothes for whatever is totally out of reach. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 16th, 2005
3:07 am	mabye getting back together with ex. too weird.. (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 2nd, 2005
1:17 pm	mark trip: train story number one There's something special about riding on trains. I've traveled on planes a million times, and it's never been as odd and memorable. The night the train went from Chicago to Albany I sat next to an old guy and for no reason I decdided lie to him incessantly. I should have been caught a million times, but the smelly old man seemed to enjoy my lying. At one point he asked me if I played football and I said yes. When he asked me what position I couldn't remember anything other than quarterback - which seemed as if it would be problematic. Anyway, after the question was repeated by the stale smelling old man several times with increasing enthusiasm I told him that I was a forward. After I heard it come out of my mouth I was pretty sure that there was no such player in football, but the old man helped me out. He couldn't hear what I'd said, or he did and it was so ridiculous he couldn't believe I said it. Either way, he next said that I looked like a tackle, and I told him that was exactly what I was. He seemed so pleased with himself and I was smiling, high on anxiety, and not wanting to end the conversation. Next,the old guy told me, he could always spot an athlete, and that he coached football for 30 years. When he started discussing college football with specific names of players and coaches I decided to bow out and suggested that we go to sleep. It was nearly 2 am. I think my suggestion bothered the old guy, and I was convinced that afterwards he was trying to get back at me for ending the conversation. When I woke up the next day I was convinced he was repeatedly putting his tray table down just to keep me from exiting my seat. On top of that the smelly old fart pulled out an even fouler smelling sandwich. To make this even worse, it was a HAM sandwich. I caught myself, as a result of mild sleep deprivation I'm sure, staring at the large pink greasy piece of flesh and felt sick listening to him chewing and smacking his lips. The old guy would occasionally eye over at me with a look of contempt and I felt obliged to hate him back. Everything he did, I was convinced, was part of some sort of strategic plan aimed at getting back at me for ending the conversation. When we were supposed to be 5 minutes from our arrival at Albany he put down his tray table. What timing, i thought. He looked over at me with a totally oblivious expression, but I knew that he was just looking to see if his game was working. Was I going to question him about the tray table, which could lead into an argument that would make me seem totally irrational? What a sadistic fucker!!! I couldn't win, but I thought, if he has that god damn tray down when I'm trying to exit the train I'm going slam it shut, push his lazily outstretched legs out of my way and hurriedly de-train. Shortly after this it was announced that the train was delayed for 20 minutes and by the time the conductor's next announcement, that we would be arriving at Albany within 5 minutes, the old man had had his tray table back up and legs back and out of the way for the past 10 minutes. The old man still looked a bit sour. But when I began to exit the aisle I had shared for 18 hours with the old coot his eyes lit up and he looked up at me with a big grin. He said, Mark it was a pleasure to talk with you last night. Good luck with the rest of your trip. I couldn't remember his name, and due to the obvious sincerity of this gesture I felt like a total asshole. In addition to the obvious reasons for my internal conflict, he also remembered my name and I couldn't remember his. With still lungs and a neurotic smile I breathed, Thanks, you too. If you guys are still around KC, give me a buzz. I'll be house sitting for Paul and Kate this weekend. My number is 816-682-5906. (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 4th, 2005
9:22 pm	I'm going away... Tomorrow I'm taking off for Portland, Maine. I'll be riding there on Amtrak, and it will take *2* days. My best friend lives in Maine. His family has an island on a lake that is totally secluded. At night you can only hear the loons calling across the lake and the water hitting the rocks around the edge of the island. I'm not exactly sure how long I'm going to stay in Maine. After that I think I'm going to visit a friend in Mississippi. She's working on her Phd at Ole Miss. Anyway, I'm not sure if I'll be back in a couple weeks or a month or what. Hope you guys (Joseph and Vinnie) enjoy the rest of your summer. Check you guys later!!! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, June 3rd, 2005
11:43 pm	a Knight Captain You scored 11 Honor, 8 Justice, 1 Adventure, and 3 Individuality! Some knights follow the orders given them. Some know when to improvise. The second sort are the ones that grow to power, to become leadeers and Knight Captains. Your sense of duty, honor and justice speaks that your name should be amongst their ranks. Get your squire, your banner, your armor and your sword. You're gonna do just fine My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 90% on Ninjinuity You scored higher than 91% on Knightlyness You scored higher than 0% on Cowboiosity You scored higher than 9% on Piratical Bent Link: The Cowboy-Ninja-Pirate-Knight Test written by fluffy71 on OkCupid Free Online Dating (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 28th, 2005
8:11 pm	HOW IN THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN??? Sports Dick You Are What You Are Why can't you understand that the accomplishments of your state's sports teams have absolutely nothing to do with you? No matter whether your favorite team wins or loses, you're still a loser. My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 77% on racial You scored higher than 34% on loserdom You scored higher than 76% on social You scored higher than 61% on sexual Link: The Horrifying Stereotype Test written by RelaxLove on Ok Cupid (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 19th, 2005
7:12 pm	Sociopath You are 100% Rational, 28% Extroverted, 85% Brutal, and 85% Arrogant. You are the Sociopath! As a result of your cold, calculating rationality, your introversion (and ability to keep quiet), your brutality, and your arrogance, you would make a very cunning serial killer. You care very little for the feelings of others, possibly because you are not a very emotional person. You are also very calculating and intelligent, making you a perfect criminal mastermind. Also, you are a very arrogant person, tending to see yourself as better than others, providing you a strong ability to perceive others as weak little animals, thus making it easier to kill them. In short, your personality defect is the fact that you could easily be a sociopath, because you are calculating, unemotional, brutal, and arrogant. Please don't kill me for writing mean things about you! To put it less negatively: 1. You are more RATIONAL than intuitive. 2. You are more INTROVERTED than extroverted. 3. You are more BRUTAL than gentle. 4. You are more ARROGANT than humble. Compatibility: Your exact opposite is the Hippie. Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Spiteful Loner, the Smartass, and the Capitalist Pig. * * If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits. The other personality types: The Emo Kid: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Humble. The Starving Artist: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant. The Bitch-Slap: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Humble. The Brute: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant. The Hippie: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble. The Televangelist: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant. The Schoolyard Bully: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble. The Class Clown: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant. The Robot: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Humble. The Haughty Intellectual: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant. The Spiteful Loner: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Humble. The Sociopath: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant. The Hand-Raiser: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble. The Braggart: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant. The Capitalist Pig: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble. The Smartass: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant. My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 91% on Rationality You scored higher than 30% on Extroversion You scored higher than 93% on Brutality You scored higher than 92% on Arrogance Link: The Personality Defect Test written by saint_gasoline on OkCupid Free Online Dating (1 Comment |Comment on this)
12:16 pm	George Galloway http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/4556113.stm George is slamming the US Senate in this clip. It's good fun. (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 12th, 2005
11:28 pm	thomas mann i've been reading tonio kroeger by thomas mann and found a cool passage. here tonio is dreaming about how nice it would be to not suffer from a deranged, abusive mind. sie machen keine verse und denken nur dinge, die man eben denkt und die man laut aussprechen kann. wie ordentlich und einverstanden mit allem und jedermann sie sich fühlen müssen! a rough translation is, they don't write poems and think only things which one just thinks and which one can pronounce loudly. how substantially right with all and each they must feel! (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 4th, 2005
10:00 pm	Avalanche ~ 59% Water ~ 81% Wind ~ 66% Earth ~ 70% Fire ~ And if there ever was an avalanche, I'd landslide down with you... Hey, nice. It seems your personality is mostly balanced. You are likely intelligent, ambitious, and reasonable. However, if you ever feel like you are rushing too much and not quite in tune with the world around you, try wearing an Azurite. It inspires patience, kindness and intuition and thus helps balance out your somewhat shy Heart Chakra which is associated with the element of water and represents our sense of love and compassion. My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 50% on water You scored higher than 82% on wind You scored higher than 73% on earth You scored higher than 59% on fire Link: The Elemental Balance Test written by Nitsuki on OkCupid Free Online Dating (Comment on this)
Friday, March 11th, 2005
2:57 pm	I've been accepted to the New School for Social Research. It's by far the most intimidating school I applied to. Anyway, from what I've heard they never usually give anyone any money. They did, however offer me 8,000 dollars, Unfortunately, that still leaves 15k in tuition, not to mention the costs of living in NYC, which adds up to around 13k (if I stay in university apartments). So, now I wonder should I go to a school I know I'll get funding from or to a school that will offer me the best professors in their fields, chances for semi-prestigious employment, and tons of DEBT? This is scary. It seems like a really important decision. grrr, I should have applied to fancy schools that offer MONEY. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 3rd, 2005
6:20 am	wake up everyone, light your candles and memorize your linear algebra formulas. sleep is for people with more sense than i have. don't forget to put your socks on and blow out the candle. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 1st, 2005
9:51 am	i've been accepted to colorado's phd program. yay. i can be a poor student for several more years. wee. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005
8:29 pm	almost better I'm pretty sure I'm at least not contagious anymore. It's kind of weird, because I felt really tired and had some cold like symptoms, but everyone else who got it from me turned out a LOT worse than I did. I'm feeling better, but I'm still afraid to go around the people who I don't want to put through horrible pain and suffering. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, January 1st, 2005
11:12 pm	potential my speakers hum silently. the sound of potential, the knowledge of pains unforetold, a stereoscopic portrayal lies vacant and, perhaps without its vision my mind hums silently. if skepsis starts with the eyes, my mind has ignored the difference of its vibration and its movement. there's no vision to deny. defined as movement and viewed from a door. waiting to shake its hinges, the definition runs to the cracks as the door creaks and stands with reference only to its glorious potential. a quivering spectacle without a point of reference, but a holy moment defined and captured. ---- i turn off the speakers and turn my head, my eyes follow. searching looking for the next. the next is on the floor and hangs from the ceiling, it dives into my ears and rips at my skin. i want to explode, but can't find any direction. uncertainty prevents my action, prevents my words, and absconds to the quakes behind and beyond my eyes. it has to be set free. i have to be set free, but i can't find it. i can't name it. i turn my head and close my eyes. (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 30th, 2004
11:53 pm	--------- last night i died. i was free from all answers. chains and nails were replaced with light and indifference. the buzzing moths were absorbed into the bulb and absorbed into me. i screamed and laughed and looked at every question's fluttering and fanning. they danced together each touching and consuming, streaming and giving birth without change. as the night continued i forgot to look back. the questions had crashed like waves against the sand and thought slowly creeped up the shore. there is no catharsis, no progression, no end or cigarette, no journey. everything is white with light, but nothing holds me close and sets me free. i lie on the shore. (Comment on this)